The Selfish Fear of Hurting Others

Many would hold their tongue to avoid having another feel hurt.

Many would avoid having a difficult conversation with another in order to preserve their happiness.

Many would not stand for what they care for so as to protect someones fragile view of the world.

I want to tell you two things. The first is:

Not wanting to hurt others is a form of not wanting to feel hurt.

You may take a moment for your mind to laugh at how crazy and mistaken I am for saying that. For a long time I believed my desire to not bring about situations where another might feel hurt was pure and altruistic. But recently I discovered the real motivator.

I can recall a number of times when I have wanted to talk to people I cared about and have felt incredibly distressed about having the conversation because I felt it would hurt them or make them upset.

Now I know really what was going on was that I was elaborately trying to protect myself from hurt.

Discovering the Minds Unconscious Process

My conscious brain had the sequence of events mapped out like this.

This was the level that I was conscious of. It is a grand tale that makes me seem like such a caring person trying to do the best for everyone. This way of living worked perfectly well until I had situations where I had to take action that could make another feel hurt in the short term but improve their life dramatically in the long term. In circumstances like that I felt incredibly torn because on the one hand I felt that by acting I would be doing a terrible thing of hurting someone while on the other hand by not acting I would be hurting them even more in the long run.

The action seems simple, action must be taken to reduce the pain (that I offcourse was assuming would occur). But why was I feeling so bad about doing it if it seemed logically like the just and right thing to do?

I discovered that underneath my conscious mind my unconscious had a slightly more intricate map. As pictured here.

Putting aside the gross generalisations and assumptions, my unconscious mind had a map that said that doing this would hurt me. No wonder I really didn’t want to do this! I was protecting myself.

My concern for another in this instance was just masking my own avoidance of pain.

Thankfully when I realise I am being selfish I can quickly rip myself away from it. Do what you feel is the correct thing to do in life and carry on with your decisions.

It is noble not to want others to feel pain but beware of your own selfish desires getting in the way of what you feel you should really do.

Which now brings me onto the second point.

We are 100% Responsible for our Own Emotions

If we put aside the notion of us all being connected for a moment, we should be able to realise that our emotions are solely our own. We create them in reaction to the world around us.

The key that you have just read is that our emotions appear as a reaction to the world.

If another person yells at you and you feel angry at them, your anger is a reaction to their yelling. To say that your anger is caused directly by their yelling is a gross simplification of the process just as I was making when trying not to hurt others.

The important point is that we define how we act to events of the world. We can choose to turn a re-action into a real action of our own volition.

If you choose to feel hurt from another persons words that is your choice. You could also choose to feel joy or elation and believe that they have done you a great service to change your life. There is always choice in action, you just have to take the step to grasp it.

Truly you are responsible for people understanding your communication. You are not responsible for peoples reactions.

Everyone is their own individual and must learn and choose how they live out their life.

All you must do is free yourself, learn and do your best to be understood.